Warning... personal post..
Right, This post, is the hardest post I will EVER have to do.. and it is also very personal, it's taken me a long time to sit down and write about this and I am still a bit un-sure on it anyway, here goes..
where to start.. 2 years ago, I would never of dreamt this, that I would be sitting here on a blog, writing about what I am going to, but what happened in my past changed me, it weakened me and it made me stronger. I have decided to write about this, because I have got to the stage where I am ok with it, I feel the more open I become the less I feel the need to actually do it, the subject I am on about is self harm. Many people instantly think of suicide, in some ways you could not be anymore from the truth. There are many different types of self harm, please read this site >> Here <<
for a little more information. I have used this site many times and there is also a little chat room you can go into too, when I am feeling quite down I often pop on there, not on my own name, you don't need to say who you are but it helps to talk to people.
A few years ago a friend of mine use to self harm, they use to cut and I would get so so angry when they did this, I felt disappointed in them but also very sad that they could not stop them. While living with my ex after many heated arguments, I started to look for ways to escape it all, and I turned to cutting, this is actually described wrong, its not really cutting at all.. its more to the point of a razor blade piercing the skin, just like when you shave and cut your leg, a thin little line that draws a lot of blood. Now when you cut your leg shaving you think ooow that hurts, get a plaster, What I, lets say have become addictive with is a completely different feeling. when you are feeling so numb and needing an escape the feeling this gives is like a real feeling, you are still alive feeling and for that little time it feels absolutely amazing.. that little time being 5 seconds, straight after is the biggest amount of guilt you could imagine, " what if people see, what if it doesn't stop bleeding, its going to scar" , its horrible, the feeling after is truly heartbreaking. It's sad to say this feeling can become addictive, just like a drug and just as lethal.
"Self-harm is often a way of coping with painful and difficult feelings and distress. Someone may harm themselves because they feel overwhelmed and don't know how else to deal with things. It's usually a very private issue and motivations and methods will differ from one person to another. Some forms of self-harm carry a serious risk, but this doesn't mean someone who self-harms is always intending to cause themselves serious injury."
I often find many small things drive me to self harm, such as the lack of friends around me, never ringing never calling, making me feel like I must not be here, I need to feel alive, so I self harm. There are other reasons why I do it, and to be honest trying to write them down, I realise how pathetic they are, and how much in a little circle I have got with this..
I went for help at my doctors, and I was given a leaflet, He said I needed to talk to someone.. he was wrong, I don't need to talk to someone I have nothing to talk about, I just need to stop! and I want to stop! I was also disapointed with how my doctor dealt with this, he did not try and help, infact he did not even want to talk to me about it himself, he handed me the leaflet and that was it, in all honestly I now realise, he could probably loose his job when I went to him depressed and proof of what I was doing and he turned his back, If you ever have this with a doctor do not give up ever, please, if i can help myself without some "doctors" help then so can you.
I don't really know how to stop, and I wouldn't be the best person to come to, to stop, but I would be a good person for a shoulder to cry on because I know exactly how you feel to make you want to do it yourself. In a way I know it is a cry for help and I know what it feels like when no-one comes to help.
With no-one actually sitting down and talking to me about this, I have helped myself, I write a lot of things down and I think through properly before I ever do anything, I will always have the scars on my wrist and legs but they are a reminder, to remind me I am real and no matter what I go through I am strong, because I am still here.